I am a downed horse today, so to speak. I keep looking for answers, finding more pieces of our puzzle, running into more and more people who have similar issues in their families.
A couple of days ago I had a revelation (about detox), and so many more of the pieces seemed to come together. And because I have another appointment with our psychiatrist on Monday and want to argue my case about doing something other than what he last suggested, I have been rereading The Bipolar Child by Papolos and Papolos (an excellent book). It has really helped me to get my ideas together for the appointment.
And although my daughter's extrememe separation anxiety and school issues have vanished, her irritability and oppositionality are at the ever-present level. It always sneaks up on me, little by little, and I am once again painfully aware that she is not properly medicated.
Medicated. I hate that word. ( I spit on you, "Medicated").
The other day I saw things in a different light for the first time and asked my husband, "Do you think that this is a 'swing' or cycle?" Because, as I said, she is now fine with school and irritability, etc. has become much more obvious. And nothing else has changed....no medicine, food, etc.
And I am so darn tired. Want to go back to sleep every day. My oldest daughter continues to have joint pain, extreme chest pain and nausea on a fairly regular basis (pretty much monthly). And last night it became obvious that OCD is back in the picture for her....in a big way.
And I am just not enough for this today. I am so tired and feel so defeated. Like I can't fix it all. We went to a dollar movie today, but other than that the only thing I did today was lay on the couch, on the bed, turn away neighbor friends to play and feel sorry for myself. And I don't do that. There is so much to do that I rarely sit down unless I am in the car.
But I just can't. It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to and all that.....
This post is pitifully written; I am aware. But I'm just letting it out. Tired. Beat up. Worn out. Wondering, "Am I just a bad seed?" Because this is too much to bear. The loves of my life....sick in a way that I can't fix. Sick in a way that tears at every piece of our family life even as I hurriedly try to stitch it all back together.
Today I just feel like it's being torn about so fast that all of my stitching is futile.
Because today I think that I finally get it. I am certain that the issues my children suffer from are the result of the toxic soup that is swimming inside of them. But whatever the cause, symptom-wise, treatment-wise, my daughter has early-onset bi-polar disorder. The idea that I wouldn't, couldn't entertain years ago....it's come true.
God help me to draw near to You because I certainly cannot do this of my own strength.
following God's lead in healing our daughter (from PANDAS and Lyme) and bringing her back to us
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
I'm the Mom in the Minivan Next to Yours......
I'm a mom like so many others that you know. I am a suburban, minivan-driving Christian mom trying to raise my four kids in a negative world. I homeschool two of my kiddos. I taught elementary school for nine years. See? Like so many of the moms that you know, right? But not really. My life is so not normal. I have a 15-year-old daughter, a 9-year-old daughter, a 6-year-old son and a 2-year-old daughter. And my second daughter struggles with mental illness. "Issues" I tell myself. I never tell myself "mental illness". But my heart knows it.
My sweet daughter was born when my husband and I had been married ten years and had a five year old daughter. All three of us could not wait to meet this baby girl. My husband was just finishing his doctoral program, and I was leaving my job to be a stay-at-home mom. Our life ahead looked sweet!
When my baby girl finally arrived, we were all over the moon in love with her. She was perfection itself!!! All 9 lb, 8 oz. of her! She smiled in the hospital, cuddled and snuggled and loved on her mama. I remember holding her against my chest, squeezing her tightly and thinking, "This must be what heaven feels like..." How could life get any sweeter?
As she grew, things only got better. Discipline with her was easy...I could just look at her and raise my eyebrows....she so wanted to please. She had long, curly blond hair, and she had an amazing vocabulary. She was reading before she turned 3, and we enjoyed trips to the library and the silliness of reading Robert Munsche together. One of my favorite memories of this time with her is of the two of us standing on the sidewalk in October and watching the leaves "dance down the street".
She was so bright that when we started to notice quirkiness, we just thought, "Isn't that cute?" Because it was! And we thought it was further evidence of how very intelligent she was. Really Intelligent=Quirky, right? And we were more than okay with that!
But then came the temper tantrums if things were not the way they were "supposed" to be. Or if they didn't "feel right". And when I say temper tantrums, I'm not talking about the kind that ended with a nice little "teachable moment" and a spanking or time-out or anything of the sort. I'm talking about temper tantrums that lasted for an hour or more. Sometimes hours. Day after day. These were tantrums in which she couldn't get control of herself. And we couldn't get control of her, either.
She couldn't stand the way that clothes felt....any clothes.... and she was reduced to wearing knit clothes that were several sizes too large. Even then, she would scream and tantrum and stretch those clothes out until they had holes and hanging threads. And forget underwear! And socks! Or any shoes except.....maybe Crocs. All of this did a real number on her. I remember her asking me if she was the worst kid in the neighborhood.
Her pediatrician suggested therapy. Then she suggested an appointment with a developmental pediatrician--the wait was 9 months long! And all the while my daughter (and our family!) was suffering. I found another doctor who had left "the system", and he suggested PROZAC for my 6 year old daughter. Which I politely declined on my way out the door.
We started occupational therapy, and I started hearing terms like, "Autistic Spectrum Disorders", "Pervasive Developmental Disorder", etc. My heart broke a little more every day. My amazing, lovely gift from God was slipping away from me, and I couldn't stop it from happening.
Then my kind-hearted daughter started becoming aggressive. When I look at it objectively, it's hard to blame her. She was in agony, and her Daddy and I--the people who were supposed to take care of her no matter what--were powerless to do anything about it! I was determined that we could "lick" this thing without medication, but finally, I had to break down and take her to a psychiatrist. I was convinced that she was going to hurt herself or someone else if I didn't. My six year old daughter. To a psychiatrist. Let me just say....that was a dark, dark, dark day.
We put my daughter on medication. And not ADHD medication. "Black box warning" medication.
And while it was the last thing that I wanted in theory, I was begging for it by the time we got it. Our family had descended into hell.
Then there were medication changes, side effects (including an extra 20 pounds) and lots of reading for me. We added a gluten-free, cassein-free diet (which made a big difference despite the fact that most medical professionals told me it wouldn't work and wasn't worth the effort). We did yeast detox (HUGE difference). Then we added lots of supplements. And then we saw more doctors and had more blood tests.
Mood disorder. Bipolar. Generalized anxiety. OCD. PANDAS. Lyme. Anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, antibiotics, probiotics, enzymes. Leaky gut, inflammation, strep, mycoplasma. And a tonsillectomy, too! I'm sure that I've left out some of the details, but you get the idea.
So this is my life right now. That sweet life that I thought was waiting for us all? We're so far away from it that it doesn't even show up on my GPS. But in my heart, it's always there in the profound sadness of what ought to be, the constant search for how to get there from here.
This life--the kids, the husband, the home, the minivan.....it was my dream. And sometimes, like when we sit down to dinner, and my six year old son giggles so hard that he falls out of his chair or my nine year old daughter tells about going out of her way to be kind to a classmate who needs a friend....at times like that, my heart smiles a warm grin.
But sometimes, my dream is a nightmare.
On top of the super anxiety, tantrums, sensory processing issues, and did I mention hyper-irritability, there's my guilt.....Did I eat something while I was pregnant that caused this? Was it because I didn't ask to get off of bus duty, and I breathed all of those diesel fumes? Did I cause this by giving birth to her brother at a vulnerable time for her? Did I miss some sign of illness or allergy when she was an infant? Why did I give her all of those vaccines? Was it because of the way that I parented her as a baby and hugged and kissed on her all of the time, never leaving her with anyone else? Was it because I talked on my cell phone too much while I was pregnant with her? Did I cause this by eating gluten when I was pregnant (I now know that I have a gluten sensitivity)?
And there's my anger....how can my pediatrician not know where to send me or what to do????? And then how can he look at me like I'm crazy when I tell him that I don't want him to vaccinate my baby because we don't know what caused this in her big sister? How can doctors lecture me about ineffective diets, avoiding vaccines and trying holistic remedies when they don't have anything else to suggest? Why would people give us grief over feeding our children a special (and by the way, healthier, but not easier) diet when they know the issues that my daughter has struggled with?
There's alienation from family members who think that they could fix it all with a harder spanking, and there's trying to seem "normal" so that my precious daughter does not experience rejection from other children and adults who do not understand. There's stress, and loads of it, because there are a million therapies to try, but none of them are free, and most of them come from doctors that aren't even in our state. And there's exhaustion from trying to reason with my girl when she is not reasonable, discipline her for outburts that are often beyond her control and keep my younger children from copying her behavior when it is off track.
And finally, at the bottom of it all, there is loving my amazing daughter, who deals with more than any child should have to. Loving her in a very tangible way....making sure that she gets her meds, doesn't eat a "forbidden food", goes into her classroom even when her daddy or I have to carry her in so that she doesn't give in to the separation anxiety that can paralyze her. Reminding her that God works all things together for the good of those that love Him. And searching. There's always more searching until we find the answer for her.
And one more thing. There's missing my girl.
Someone once asked me how they could help me, as my girl's often-overwhelmed mom. I didn't really know what to say because the answer that comes to mind so easily is, "Give me another hour in the day!" or something equally "un-givable". But since then, I've thought about that a lot, and I think the biggest ways that someone can support a mom in my situation are the ways that she can support anyone in a difficult situation.
Pray for my child. And for me and my family. We need His strength to carry us through, and I need His words to show her how much He loves her. Even though He has not delivered her. Yet.
Be there. I mean, really be there. Don't avoid me because you don't know what to say. If you don't know what to say, say that. Live life with me in spite of the difficulties. Be you. Be there.
Don't try to have all the answers--in fact, most moms in my situation have so many answers floating around in their heads that they haven't had time to sort through them all yet. I may or may not want to brainstorm. Follow my lead. Give suggestions only if asked. Otherwise, just be there. Hang out. Have fun. Fun is important.
Obviously, don't compare children. I used to lay awake at night thinking about what I could do to help my children be faster swimmers, the best spellers in class, the best ball-catchers. I'm so over it. Some days I just worry about how I can help my girl get clothes on.
Encourage me in my efforts. It may be hard to understand why I would not vaccinate younger children or why I would pursue a certain kind of therapy, but I/we (my husband and I) are not making decisions based on whims. For each avenue that we pursue, we've weighed out the consequences, calculated the costs and forged ahead.
Acknowledge the issue. While I wouldn't want anyone to make more of it than it is, it makes me feel like people think I'm crazy when they discount what I tell them. For instance, people have told me that she'll probably outgrow it--it's a phase. Or that she's perfect when she's with them. Or that she doesn't seem like she's "having trouble". (At this point, I bite my tongue instead of telling them that she seems fine because SHE'S ON SOME POWERFUL PSYCHIATRIC MEDS!)
Play. Moms like me live a stressful, worry-filled life. (Will she have to take these meds forever? Will we find a nutritional answer? How will we pay to find the answer? Will she be able to sustain relationships, have babies, take care of herself? Will my other children develop these "issues"?) Like most people going through a hard time, we need to forget about worrying for a minute. We need to laugh and play.
Don't judge. Right is right, and wrong is wrong; I'm not talking about not acknowledging that. I mean that people don't always know everything that's going on. Like I mentioned, I used to be a classroom teacher. I was a good one, and I was good at keeping control in the classroom. If I saw a child misbehaving at school or anywhere else, I always thought that I could fix it. My child would never behave that way. But now? Now I realize that sometimes kids misbehave because of slacker parenting or poor discipline techniques, but sometimes there is a deeper issue. (I cringe at how arrogant I used to be about parenting.)
And this might be the hardest thing, but don't tell me that I shouldn't have to deal with these things. I know that it might seem supportive to say that, but frankly, it just gives me license to have a pity party. Maybe I shouldn't have to deal with these things, but this is our life. This is my girl's life. And I will never give up on her. For some reason that I cannot begin to fathom, God must have thought that I was strong enough to handle this. And I can't afford to feel sorry for myself. Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way; I don't know. But I know how it works in my life. It works much better to encourage me in the journey.
At the end of this post, I'd like to tell you that you will probably rarely run into a mom like me....that this is a "just in case" post. But I feel certain that you will run into more and more moms like me as time goes on. Perhaps you will become a mom like me. Because kids who don't neatly wear a label but have serious "issues"...there are more and more of them.
*****************************************************************
To read more of our story, visit http://www.findingmylittlegirllost.blogspot.com/
If you or someone that you know is struggling with these issues, please feel free to contact me at tu4two@yahoo.com.
My sweet daughter was born when my husband and I had been married ten years and had a five year old daughter. All three of us could not wait to meet this baby girl. My husband was just finishing his doctoral program, and I was leaving my job to be a stay-at-home mom. Our life ahead looked sweet!
When my baby girl finally arrived, we were all over the moon in love with her. She was perfection itself!!! All 9 lb, 8 oz. of her! She smiled in the hospital, cuddled and snuggled and loved on her mama. I remember holding her against my chest, squeezing her tightly and thinking, "This must be what heaven feels like..." How could life get any sweeter?
As she grew, things only got better. Discipline with her was easy...I could just look at her and raise my eyebrows....she so wanted to please. She had long, curly blond hair, and she had an amazing vocabulary. She was reading before she turned 3, and we enjoyed trips to the library and the silliness of reading Robert Munsche together. One of my favorite memories of this time with her is of the two of us standing on the sidewalk in October and watching the leaves "dance down the street".
She was so bright that when we started to notice quirkiness, we just thought, "Isn't that cute?" Because it was! And we thought it was further evidence of how very intelligent she was. Really Intelligent=Quirky, right? And we were more than okay with that!
But then came the temper tantrums if things were not the way they were "supposed" to be. Or if they didn't "feel right". And when I say temper tantrums, I'm not talking about the kind that ended with a nice little "teachable moment" and a spanking or time-out or anything of the sort. I'm talking about temper tantrums that lasted for an hour or more. Sometimes hours. Day after day. These were tantrums in which she couldn't get control of herself. And we couldn't get control of her, either.
She couldn't stand the way that clothes felt....any clothes.... and she was reduced to wearing knit clothes that were several sizes too large. Even then, she would scream and tantrum and stretch those clothes out until they had holes and hanging threads. And forget underwear! And socks! Or any shoes except.....maybe Crocs. All of this did a real number on her. I remember her asking me if she was the worst kid in the neighborhood.
Her pediatrician suggested therapy. Then she suggested an appointment with a developmental pediatrician--the wait was 9 months long! And all the while my daughter (and our family!) was suffering. I found another doctor who had left "the system", and he suggested PROZAC for my 6 year old daughter. Which I politely declined on my way out the door.
We started occupational therapy, and I started hearing terms like, "Autistic Spectrum Disorders", "Pervasive Developmental Disorder", etc. My heart broke a little more every day. My amazing, lovely gift from God was slipping away from me, and I couldn't stop it from happening.
Then my kind-hearted daughter started becoming aggressive. When I look at it objectively, it's hard to blame her. She was in agony, and her Daddy and I--the people who were supposed to take care of her no matter what--were powerless to do anything about it! I was determined that we could "lick" this thing without medication, but finally, I had to break down and take her to a psychiatrist. I was convinced that she was going to hurt herself or someone else if I didn't. My six year old daughter. To a psychiatrist. Let me just say....that was a dark, dark, dark day.
We put my daughter on medication. And not ADHD medication. "Black box warning" medication.
And while it was the last thing that I wanted in theory, I was begging for it by the time we got it. Our family had descended into hell.
Then there were medication changes, side effects (including an extra 20 pounds) and lots of reading for me. We added a gluten-free, cassein-free diet (which made a big difference despite the fact that most medical professionals told me it wouldn't work and wasn't worth the effort). We did yeast detox (HUGE difference). Then we added lots of supplements. And then we saw more doctors and had more blood tests.
Mood disorder. Bipolar. Generalized anxiety. OCD. PANDAS. Lyme. Anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, antibiotics, probiotics, enzymes. Leaky gut, inflammation, strep, mycoplasma. And a tonsillectomy, too! I'm sure that I've left out some of the details, but you get the idea.
So this is my life right now. That sweet life that I thought was waiting for us all? We're so far away from it that it doesn't even show up on my GPS. But in my heart, it's always there in the profound sadness of what ought to be, the constant search for how to get there from here.
This life--the kids, the husband, the home, the minivan.....it was my dream. And sometimes, like when we sit down to dinner, and my six year old son giggles so hard that he falls out of his chair or my nine year old daughter tells about going out of her way to be kind to a classmate who needs a friend....at times like that, my heart smiles a warm grin.
But sometimes, my dream is a nightmare.
On top of the super anxiety, tantrums, sensory processing issues, and did I mention hyper-irritability, there's my guilt.....Did I eat something while I was pregnant that caused this? Was it because I didn't ask to get off of bus duty, and I breathed all of those diesel fumes? Did I cause this by giving birth to her brother at a vulnerable time for her? Did I miss some sign of illness or allergy when she was an infant? Why did I give her all of those vaccines? Was it because of the way that I parented her as a baby and hugged and kissed on her all of the time, never leaving her with anyone else? Was it because I talked on my cell phone too much while I was pregnant with her? Did I cause this by eating gluten when I was pregnant (I now know that I have a gluten sensitivity)?
And there's my anger....how can my pediatrician not know where to send me or what to do????? And then how can he look at me like I'm crazy when I tell him that I don't want him to vaccinate my baby because we don't know what caused this in her big sister? How can doctors lecture me about ineffective diets, avoiding vaccines and trying holistic remedies when they don't have anything else to suggest? Why would people give us grief over feeding our children a special (and by the way, healthier, but not easier) diet when they know the issues that my daughter has struggled with?
There's alienation from family members who think that they could fix it all with a harder spanking, and there's trying to seem "normal" so that my precious daughter does not experience rejection from other children and adults who do not understand. There's stress, and loads of it, because there are a million therapies to try, but none of them are free, and most of them come from doctors that aren't even in our state. And there's exhaustion from trying to reason with my girl when she is not reasonable, discipline her for outburts that are often beyond her control and keep my younger children from copying her behavior when it is off track.
And finally, at the bottom of it all, there is loving my amazing daughter, who deals with more than any child should have to. Loving her in a very tangible way....making sure that she gets her meds, doesn't eat a "forbidden food", goes into her classroom even when her daddy or I have to carry her in so that she doesn't give in to the separation anxiety that can paralyze her. Reminding her that God works all things together for the good of those that love Him. And searching. There's always more searching until we find the answer for her.
And one more thing. There's missing my girl.
Someone once asked me how they could help me, as my girl's often-overwhelmed mom. I didn't really know what to say because the answer that comes to mind so easily is, "Give me another hour in the day!" or something equally "un-givable". But since then, I've thought about that a lot, and I think the biggest ways that someone can support a mom in my situation are the ways that she can support anyone in a difficult situation.
Pray for my child. And for me and my family. We need His strength to carry us through, and I need His words to show her how much He loves her. Even though He has not delivered her. Yet.
Be there. I mean, really be there. Don't avoid me because you don't know what to say. If you don't know what to say, say that. Live life with me in spite of the difficulties. Be you. Be there.
Don't try to have all the answers--in fact, most moms in my situation have so many answers floating around in their heads that they haven't had time to sort through them all yet. I may or may not want to brainstorm. Follow my lead. Give suggestions only if asked. Otherwise, just be there. Hang out. Have fun. Fun is important.
Obviously, don't compare children. I used to lay awake at night thinking about what I could do to help my children be faster swimmers, the best spellers in class, the best ball-catchers. I'm so over it. Some days I just worry about how I can help my girl get clothes on.
Encourage me in my efforts. It may be hard to understand why I would not vaccinate younger children or why I would pursue a certain kind of therapy, but I/we (my husband and I) are not making decisions based on whims. For each avenue that we pursue, we've weighed out the consequences, calculated the costs and forged ahead.
Acknowledge the issue. While I wouldn't want anyone to make more of it than it is, it makes me feel like people think I'm crazy when they discount what I tell them. For instance, people have told me that she'll probably outgrow it--it's a phase. Or that she's perfect when she's with them. Or that she doesn't seem like she's "having trouble". (At this point, I bite my tongue instead of telling them that she seems fine because SHE'S ON SOME POWERFUL PSYCHIATRIC MEDS!)
Play. Moms like me live a stressful, worry-filled life. (Will she have to take these meds forever? Will we find a nutritional answer? How will we pay to find the answer? Will she be able to sustain relationships, have babies, take care of herself? Will my other children develop these "issues"?) Like most people going through a hard time, we need to forget about worrying for a minute. We need to laugh and play.
Don't judge. Right is right, and wrong is wrong; I'm not talking about not acknowledging that. I mean that people don't always know everything that's going on. Like I mentioned, I used to be a classroom teacher. I was a good one, and I was good at keeping control in the classroom. If I saw a child misbehaving at school or anywhere else, I always thought that I could fix it. My child would never behave that way. But now? Now I realize that sometimes kids misbehave because of slacker parenting or poor discipline techniques, but sometimes there is a deeper issue. (I cringe at how arrogant I used to be about parenting.)
And this might be the hardest thing, but don't tell me that I shouldn't have to deal with these things. I know that it might seem supportive to say that, but frankly, it just gives me license to have a pity party. Maybe I shouldn't have to deal with these things, but this is our life. This is my girl's life. And I will never give up on her. For some reason that I cannot begin to fathom, God must have thought that I was strong enough to handle this. And I can't afford to feel sorry for myself. Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way; I don't know. But I know how it works in my life. It works much better to encourage me in the journey.
At the end of this post, I'd like to tell you that you will probably rarely run into a mom like me....that this is a "just in case" post. But I feel certain that you will run into more and more moms like me as time goes on. Perhaps you will become a mom like me. Because kids who don't neatly wear a label but have serious "issues"...there are more and more of them.
*****************************************************************
To read more of our story, visit http://www.findingmylittlegirllost.blogspot.com/
If you or someone that you know is struggling with these issues, please feel free to contact me at tu4two@yahoo.com.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
Ugly Words
That's what I'm thinking tonight after my kiddos are all in bed. Ugly words. Words that you would not think would come out of my mouth if you knew me. Because my lovely, beautiful, sweet girl is gone again.
Not only can she not get her clothes on without tremendous fits, but she is saying ugly things to everyone, yelling, screaming at the top of her lungs, kicking her feet.....she is tortured and not able to compose herself. She is irritable and angry and she doesn't know who to be angry with, although we are all pretty good targets.
Sweet girl cannot get her homework done. She will not stay at the desk and continually comes out to say mean things to people. She is crying out for help. And, God help me, I don't have the definitive answer on what will fix it soonest and best.
Right now she is taking vitamins b6, b12, d3, zinc, folate, magnesium, fish oil, 4 probiotic capsules a day. And the antibiotic Biaxin for PANDAS. And tonight she took her first dose of Seroquel since November (did I mention that I hate you, Seroquel?) And Abilify in the mornings.
Seroquel seems to always remove my girl further from me. It makes her so tired and "just there". And after I accidentally took her dose of it in November, I can see why. I applaud my girl for the fact that she has attended school and "functioned" on really high doses of that medication because I felt like I was going to die on a very mild dose of it. I was extremely dizzy and couldn't catch my breath and just felt like I had to concentrate to put one foot in front of the other.
I hate those medicines. Hate, hate, hate them. But I can't let my girl go on in agony like this. That, surely, does great harm to her....to live in constant mental anguish. So while we're trying to hear God's voice and follow His lead in helping her, I feel like we have to give her some rest and relief.
For brief moments she is here....when she is crying on her pillow and telling me that she is a "moron" and that she can't stop treating people so badly. And when, as I remind her that God didn't bring this bad thing into her life but that He works all things together for good for those that love Him, she asks when God will be finished using her. She is tortured; I can see it in her almost nine year old eyes.
This is bad. But we will cling to God, knowing that He is right here with us and asking constantly for Him to bring us through this quickly and to work it all for His glory. Please, quickly, Lord.
Not only can she not get her clothes on without tremendous fits, but she is saying ugly things to everyone, yelling, screaming at the top of her lungs, kicking her feet.....she is tortured and not able to compose herself. She is irritable and angry and she doesn't know who to be angry with, although we are all pretty good targets.
Sweet girl cannot get her homework done. She will not stay at the desk and continually comes out to say mean things to people. She is crying out for help. And, God help me, I don't have the definitive answer on what will fix it soonest and best.
Right now she is taking vitamins b6, b12, d3, zinc, folate, magnesium, fish oil, 4 probiotic capsules a day. And the antibiotic Biaxin for PANDAS. And tonight she took her first dose of Seroquel since November (did I mention that I hate you, Seroquel?) And Abilify in the mornings.
Seroquel seems to always remove my girl further from me. It makes her so tired and "just there". And after I accidentally took her dose of it in November, I can see why. I applaud my girl for the fact that she has attended school and "functioned" on really high doses of that medication because I felt like I was going to die on a very mild dose of it. I was extremely dizzy and couldn't catch my breath and just felt like I had to concentrate to put one foot in front of the other.
I hate those medicines. Hate, hate, hate them. But I can't let my girl go on in agony like this. That, surely, does great harm to her....to live in constant mental anguish. So while we're trying to hear God's voice and follow His lead in helping her, I feel like we have to give her some rest and relief.
For brief moments she is here....when she is crying on her pillow and telling me that she is a "moron" and that she can't stop treating people so badly. And when, as I remind her that God didn't bring this bad thing into her life but that He works all things together for good for those that love Him, she asks when God will be finished using her. She is tortured; I can see it in her almost nine year old eyes.
This is bad. But we will cling to God, knowing that He is right here with us and asking constantly for Him to bring us through this quickly and to work it all for His glory. Please, quickly, Lord.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Staples of Our Pantry
Before this diet, some things that I had to have in the pantry or fridge were cereal, macaroni and cheese, whole wheat spaghetti, juice, lunch meat, cheese, bags of chips for school lunches, etc. Now all of those are out. As in donated or thrown out, not in the house (or someone would eat them....possibly me!).
Things that I have to have in the house now for snacks (four growing kids and two adults means we MUST have snacks at all times!) and back up for meals are:
rice cakes, preferrably organic brown rice
Mott's applesauce cups (no sugar added, possibly sweetened with fruit)
green olives
Beanitos (rice and bean chips)
fruit leathers
eggs
beans (pinto, lentils, black)
whole fruit (apples, kiwi, cantaloupe, cherries, blueberries, strawberries, pears, peaches)
Bob's Mill hot rice cereal or
oatmeal (really should be organic so as not to be cross-contaminated with gluten)
almond milk or coconut milk
olive oil
raw baby carrots
fresh broccoli
cherry tomatoes
Chex rice cereal (my daughter loves cereal)
Nuts (like cashews, walnuts or pumpkin seeds, although not everyone will eat walnuts
or pumpkin seeds....)
Laura Scudder's natural peanut butter (nothing but peanuts and salt)
Smucker's Naturals Jam (all fruit) or some similar jam
Some sort of rice pasta and low sugar spaghetti sauce
(now we have this in a pinch instead of mac and cheese)
I know that I still have a long way to go. We have eliminated so much and added a lot, but I'd like to add more veggies. For now, however, this is what we've got. I know that I can't rush my family (or me) or this won't stick. And this really isn't a diet in the usual sense of the word. We can't ever go back to the way we were eating. Our lives depend on it.
Things that I have to have in the house now for snacks (four growing kids and two adults means we MUST have snacks at all times!) and back up for meals are:
rice cakes, preferrably organic brown rice
Mott's applesauce cups (no sugar added, possibly sweetened with fruit)
green olives
Beanitos (rice and bean chips)
fruit leathers
eggs
beans (pinto, lentils, black)
whole fruit (apples, kiwi, cantaloupe, cherries, blueberries, strawberries, pears, peaches)
Bob's Mill hot rice cereal or
oatmeal (really should be organic so as not to be cross-contaminated with gluten)
almond milk or coconut milk
olive oil
raw baby carrots
fresh broccoli
cherry tomatoes
Chex rice cereal (my daughter loves cereal)
Nuts (like cashews, walnuts or pumpkin seeds, although not everyone will eat walnuts
or pumpkin seeds....)
Laura Scudder's natural peanut butter (nothing but peanuts and salt)
Smucker's Naturals Jam (all fruit) or some similar jam
Some sort of rice pasta and low sugar spaghetti sauce
(now we have this in a pinch instead of mac and cheese)
I know that I still have a long way to go. We have eliminated so much and added a lot, but I'd like to add more veggies. For now, however, this is what we've got. I know that I can't rush my family (or me) or this won't stick. And this really isn't a diet in the usual sense of the word. We can't ever go back to the way we were eating. Our lives depend on it.
Friday, January 28, 2011
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