Saturday, February 25, 2012

One Saturday in February

I am a downed horse today, so to speak.  I keep looking for answers, finding more pieces of our puzzle, running into more and more people who have similar issues in their families. 

A couple of days ago I had a revelation (about detox), and so many more of the pieces seemed to come together.  And because I have another appointment with our psychiatrist on Monday and want to argue my case about doing something other than what he last suggested, I have been rereading The Bipolar Child by Papolos and Papolos (an excellent book).  It has really helped me to get my ideas together for the appointment.

And although my daughter's extrememe separation anxiety and school issues have vanished, her irritability and oppositionality are at the ever-present level.  It always sneaks up on me, little by little, and I am once again painfully aware that she is not properly medicated.

Medicated.  I hate that word. ( I spit on you, "Medicated").

The other day I saw things in a different light for the first time and asked my husband, "Do you think that this is a 'swing' or cycle?"  Because, as I said, she is now fine with school and irritability, etc. has become much more obvious.  And nothing else has medicine, food, etc. 

And I am so darn tired.  Want to go back to sleep every day.  My oldest daughter continues to have joint pain, extreme chest pain and nausea on a fairly regular basis (pretty much monthly).  And last night it became obvious that OCD is back in the picture for a big way.

And I am just not enough for this today.  I am so tired and feel so defeated.  Like I can't fix it all.  We went to a dollar movie today, but other than that the only thing I did today was lay on the couch, on the bed, turn away neighbor friends to play and feel sorry for myself.  And I don't do that.  There is so much to do that I rarely sit down unless I am in the car. 

But I just can't.  It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to and all that.....

This post is pitifully written; I am aware.  But I'm just letting it out.  Tired.  Beat up.  Worn out.  Wondering, "Am I just a bad seed?"  Because this is too much to bear.  The loves of my life....sick in a way that I can't fix.  Sick in a way that tears at every piece of our family life even as I hurriedly try to stitch it all back together. 

Today I just feel like it's being torn about so fast that all of my stitching is futile. 

Because today I think that I finally get it.  I am certain that the issues my children suffer from are the result of the toxic soup that is swimming inside of them.  But whatever the cause, symptom-wise, treatment-wise, my daughter has early-onset bi-polar disorder.  The idea that I wouldn't, couldn't entertain years's come true. 

God help me to draw near to You because I certainly cannot do this of my own strength.