Saturday, February 25, 2012

One Saturday in February

I am a downed horse today, so to speak.  I keep looking for answers, finding more pieces of our puzzle, running into more and more people who have similar issues in their families. 

A couple of days ago I had a revelation (about detox), and so many more of the pieces seemed to come together.  And because I have another appointment with our psychiatrist on Monday and want to argue my case about doing something other than what he last suggested, I have been rereading The Bipolar Child by Papolos and Papolos (an excellent book).  It has really helped me to get my ideas together for the appointment.

And although my daughter's extrememe separation anxiety and school issues have vanished, her irritability and oppositionality are at the ever-present level.  It always sneaks up on me, little by little, and I am once again painfully aware that she is not properly medicated.

Medicated.  I hate that word. ( I spit on you, "Medicated").

The other day I saw things in a different light for the first time and asked my husband, "Do you think that this is a 'swing' or cycle?"  Because, as I said, she is now fine with school and irritability, etc. has become much more obvious.  And nothing else has medicine, food, etc. 

And I am so darn tired.  Want to go back to sleep every day.  My oldest daughter continues to have joint pain, extreme chest pain and nausea on a fairly regular basis (pretty much monthly).  And last night it became obvious that OCD is back in the picture for a big way.

And I am just not enough for this today.  I am so tired and feel so defeated.  Like I can't fix it all.  We went to a dollar movie today, but other than that the only thing I did today was lay on the couch, on the bed, turn away neighbor friends to play and feel sorry for myself.  And I don't do that.  There is so much to do that I rarely sit down unless I am in the car. 

But I just can't.  It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to and all that.....

This post is pitifully written; I am aware.  But I'm just letting it out.  Tired.  Beat up.  Worn out.  Wondering, "Am I just a bad seed?"  Because this is too much to bear.  The loves of my life....sick in a way that I can't fix.  Sick in a way that tears at every piece of our family life even as I hurriedly try to stitch it all back together. 

Today I just feel like it's being torn about so fast that all of my stitching is futile. 

Because today I think that I finally get it.  I am certain that the issues my children suffer from are the result of the toxic soup that is swimming inside of them.  But whatever the cause, symptom-wise, treatment-wise, my daughter has early-onset bi-polar disorder.  The idea that I wouldn't, couldn't entertain years's come true. 

God help me to draw near to You because I certainly cannot do this of my own strength.


  1. Hi there,
    I am a fellow mom. My heart is breaking for you as I read your blog, please email me your email address if you would like to, I have some info to share with you that maybe will help your sweet girl. Sending you a hug.

  2. Stumbled across your blog through another blog that I read regularly. I am a mom of 2 boys. Reading your story and this post in particular just really broke my heart. I know nothing else to say except that I will pray for you. I can offer no advice or words of comfort except that #1 I WILL pray for you and #2 God is sovereign and He loves you and your precious girl so very much. I know you already know this. :) I can't imagine how difficult this is but again, I will be praying for you and for healing for your precious girl.

  3. Thank you for the prayers! That is the best help I could ask for. We are in a better place than I was when I wrote this post. My daughter is on a different medication which seems to make things somewhat better, and as silly as this sounds, I think I have been holding my breath until things got better. But 6 1/2 years is too long to hold one's breath, and I think I am finally getting to the place where I realize that we have to find some peace and happiness in the midst of this because it probably won't be over tomorrow.

  4. I came here from "It's Almost Naptime". I just wanted you to know that your words have touched my heart and that I will be praying for you and your family.

    Thank you for writing about your struggles. I know that your words will help other people who are living with similar trials and will also help the people in the minivan beside you better understand what you are going through. :)

    God bless you and your family.

  5. This is my first time at your site; I saw your guest post over at "It's almost naptime." I thought it was a great article. I often want to know how to help a friend but don't know how and your guidance was great. I will definitely keep your family in my prayers!