Friday, February 4, 2011

Ugly Words

That's what I'm thinking tonight after my kiddos are all in bed.  Ugly words.  Words that you would not think would come out of my mouth if you knew me.  Because my lovely, beautiful, sweet girl is gone again. 

Not only can she not get her clothes on without tremendous fits, but she is saying ugly things to everyone, yelling, screaming at the top of her lungs, kicking her feet.....she is tortured and not able to compose herself.  She is irritable and angry and she doesn't know who to be angry with, although we are all pretty good targets.

Sweet girl cannot get her homework done. She will not stay at the desk and continually comes out to say mean things to people.  She is crying out for help.  And, God help me, I don't have the definitive answer on what will fix it soonest and best. 

Right now she is taking vitamins b6, b12, d3, zinc, folate, magnesium, fish oil, 4 probiotic capsules a day.  And the antibiotic Biaxin for PANDAS.  And tonight she took her first dose of Seroquel since November (did I mention that I hate you, Seroquel?) And Abilify in the mornings.

Seroquel seems to always remove my girl further from me.  It makes her so tired and "just there".  And after I accidentally took her dose of it in November, I can see why.  I applaud my girl for the fact that she has attended school and "functioned" on really high doses of that medication because I felt like I was going to die on a very mild dose of it.  I was extremely dizzy and couldn't catch my breath and just felt like I had to concentrate to put one foot in front of the other.

I hate those medicines.  Hate, hate, hate them.  But I can't let my girl go on in agony like this.  That, surely, does great harm to live in constant mental anguish.  So while we're trying to hear God's voice and follow His lead in helping her, I feel like we have to give her some rest and relief. 

For brief moments she is here....when she is crying on her pillow and telling me that she is a "moron" and that she can't stop treating people so badly.  And when, as I remind her that God didn't bring this bad thing into her life but that He works all things together for good for those that love Him, she asks when God will be finished using her.  She is tortured; I can see it in her almost nine year old eyes. 

This is bad.  But we will cling to God, knowing that He is right here with us and asking constantly for Him to bring us through this quickly and to work it all for His glory.  Please, quickly, Lord. 

1 comment:

  1. Oh oh oh! I just don't even have words, just tears. The statement she made about "when God will be finished using her" just about sent me over the top. How is it that she was here and now gone again. I want to know more. Praying for you and your sweet girl.